Sally Bolderson: Journal

I have been marveling in the miracle of birth the past few days as my dear friends (Matthew and Leah) gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Gregory William! I remember so vividly the feelings of unconditional love that I had after the births of my children. It is so powerful to realize how much you love this tiny new person that you just met! Such a beautiful miracle.

But as with living, there is dying and in September (3 days apart) I lost my mother's brother and sister. They were sick at the time of her death, and finally joined her in the glories of heaven. My aunt was a School Sister of Notre Dame and one of the sisters in her order told my surviving aunt that she must have called my uncle up to the party! I can envision it now the great reunion in the sky!

It does bring a whole new perspective of what is yet to come for us. We are born and we die and hopefully everything in between has meaning!

I realize it's been a really long stretch of inactivity since my last post and trust me that's ONLY here on my blog.

For those of you who check my sight often, since my last post, my life has been turned inside out.

My mother was having bladder problems and some abnormal findings in her female organs and required surgery. She had a history of heart disease and her cardiologist was concerned about her ability to withstand a long surgery. She went to surgery on July 1st and although they found an aggressive cancer in her uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and pelvic cavity, she came through the surgery well. She had nausea throughout the weekend and complaints of back pains. On Monday, July 4th while my sister was with her, she was told that if she was able to use the bathroom she could go home. After eating about 1/2 of her lunch she began vomiting and aspirated (inhaled) on it. She went into cardiac arrest and although they got her heart beat back she later died after another episode later in the day. There are no words to explain the loss of a mother. In hindsight we all know that she was ready and that now she is reunited with my dad and older brother, but every day there is a pain in my heart longing to speak to her.

The day following her death, my daughter, Angela who has been going through so much of her own was told that she will not regain her lost vision and would forever be legally blind.

My heart and brain just shut down. I could not speak to anyone on the following day trying to comprehend the depth of what had transpired the past 2 days.

But God in His mercy took over for me. He helped things to fall into place so that I could breathe and take one step after another.

As I've said all along, I (we) are not alone. Our loving God is with us in our joys, our fears, our sadness...in all of our needs. I have come to believe that it is a gift to be challenged...to realize that He loves me SO much that He knows my faith will not bend. His love and support are everlasting. Jesus, I trust in you!

As mentioned in my last post my daughter, Angela, is suffering from several significant health issues. Just this week, she had a VP shunt put into her head to drain off the excess spinal fluid that has been causing her to lose her eyesight. She will also be facing a brain biopsy for a mass on the right side of her brain unrelated to her spinal fluid issue. She has been on kidney dialysis for almost 4 years. Needless to say, any of these is more than any one person should have to deal with.

My family has become notorious for the challenges we are faced with. As we are going through these things with Angela, my 83 year old mother is facing surgery herself next week for problems with her ovaries and uterus. She is a 2 time breast cancer survivor and the thought of this being another cancer is very real in our minds.

As I spread the word asking for prayers I have had many comment that "God never gives us more than we can handle."

I've thought a LOT about this statement and I have felt confident in His presence in all of this. I know that He is here, walking this journey with us. And it has come to my thinking that it's not that he sees us worthy and gives us more than our share.....it's that He's ALWAYS there, so no matter how much tragedy or struggles come our way, it just doesn't matter...we are never alone.

(on another note....happy birthday, Dad!)

I have found that life, at least in my circle of the world, is always full of challenges, whether it be health issues, money or the lack thereof or whatever. This past month is no exception.

In my last entry I commented on the tornadoes that seem to be hitting all over the midwest USA and how despite the tragedy of them, it brings out the good in people as we rally together to try and bring comfort to those afflicted.

Well, since that time, I have experienced that first hand with a serious illness in my oldest daughter. Now, in most families there are various personality traits of the different members that rub us the wrong way from time to time. But despite the differences and the miscommunications, when it came down to my daughter's illness, each member was there for her. When she needed us, we were there, 100%, no questions asked. It was what we do, because we are family.

But what really struck me most was that this child of mine (actually a 30 year old adult) who tends to follow in her dad's stubborn ways has, in her time of need, reached out, wanting to touch, wanting to hold on to all of us.

Our family has become so close because of this situation. We have seen the need to appreciate the little things and most importantly to appreciate each other for all the good we are.

I pray for healing for my daughter. I pray that her life can become that of a typical 30 year old...not dependent on a kidney dialysis machine, not fearing the need for a brain biopsy and not nearly blind from the pressure in her brain.

Jesus and Mama Mary, please hear my prayer.

Blessings to all in this wonderful season of Easter!

In the midst of struggle and challenges, we are blessed with the reality of LIFE, life in our Lord, Jesus Christ!

On Good Friday, a terrible tornado swept through our city. I live about 1 mile south of the airport that was struck and yet, our house was not disturbed in the least. Having said that, it was scary to think that I live so close to it that people were concerned, making sure we were okay.

Tragedy in all forms brings out the humane side of people. It brings us into communion of our needs and our hopes. The immediate outreach that we are drawn to is amazing. My son was given time off from work because they were caught up and he spent it helping to clear trees from the suburban areas where houses were twisted into rubble.

I am proud of my kids who have always known the importance of giving back, of being called to service and responding. My niece mentioned on Facebook yesterday that she and her husband bought water and took it to the sight for the people working so hard. She was not able to actually work herself because of her two young children, but still found a way to make a difference.

We must remember that we ALL have something in us that we are meant to share. Be open to it and say, "YES, LORD!

Well we are in the middle of Lent and I find myself to be so very human in my lack of discipline. Not a failure, but so far from where I hoped to be by this point.

I gave up soda and have been successful about 90% of the time. Still plugging away to get that to 100%.

My prayer life is another matter. I find myself making excuses for my lack of time and/or energy to accomplish even basic prayers and reflection. Maybe some of the excuses are legitimate, but does that really count?

I suppose it's like any addiction, whether it be alcohol, food, or even the draw of the secular world around us, always busy, always loud and demanding!

But in truth the only worthwhile addiction is God, is our love and devotion to Him. Now, to get my brain and heart in gear to understand and truly live that! That is my hope.

Continued blessing to all of us during this time of contemplation leading tot he Cross and Resurrection!

This week we embark on the Lenten season. I love the deep tradition that is the Lenten season. The sacrifices of fasting and abstinence, the time of extra prayer and reform to make us worthy to receive the fruits of Jesus' suffering and crucifixion.

This past Saturday I attended a Catholic Conference for Women here in my home archdiocese of St. Louis. I was there with some dear friends and a couple times during the day I found myself saying that I NEED LENT!

Lately, I have found most aspects of my life out of synch. But most importantly I find my prayer life almost non-existent other than the usual weekend Mass and the times I spend planning the music for the 10:30 Sunday Mass in my parish.

It is my intention to pray the rosary daily and usually end up maybe getting in one full decade at the end of the day as I am falling asleep.

So, my only conclusion is that I MUST recenter myself in my faith, in my God who loves me unconditionally, despite my neglect of Him. So, that is my goal for Lent; to really try to understand why I choose the TV over intimate time with Jesus. I need to understand what is from the devil trying to trip me up by the mundane daily activities that occupies my time when I could choose to spend it in prayer with Jesus.

Daunting challenges, but as I hope to pray the Stations of the Cross throughout Lent, I need to appreciate the horrendous abuse Jesus sustained for me (and for all of us) which in comparison to the small sacrifices He asks of me is beyond compare.

Blessings to us all during this time of repentance and growth.

I've been getting comments on my guestbook from all over the place. Technology still totally overwhelms my brain. I still can't figure out how words and sights and sounds can be transmitted through the air! So when I get a random comment from a total stranger it makes me wonder how they found my sight in the first place.

But, nonetheless, it makes me realize that I need to post more often since there are people out there who care and are touched in some way by what I might have to say. My initial goal will be a weekly update and then maybe trying to share some thoughts of the day more often.

This past week marked what would have been my older brother's 59th birthday. He died in 2009 on the same day as Michael Jackson. He unfortunately suffered an alcoholic addiction most of his adult life and it ultimately took his life.

But this year, I was able to love all the good things about him as in my heart I celebrated his birthday. I remember my Dad always saying about how he was such a happy baby and whenever you walked into the room, he had a big smile on his face. And as we grew up together I remember him being an even tempered guy.

This week also brought us warmer temperatures that are slowly but surely turning the ice/snow mountains into hills. Today, in fact is so warm we were able to have the windows opened coming home from church. Living in the midwest United States, I am fond of the seasonal changes and the diversity they bring. The winters are cold and I thank God for the warmth and blessings of my home and my job that allows us to live in comfort. Then as the winds change and the warmer weather comes, I long for new growth in the trees, flowers in bloom and birds singing. Then summer with it's long, lazy days and thoughts of reconnecting with friends and family during vacations and bbq's. Then as we tire of the scorching summer heat, we are blessed with the cooler weather of autumn. This is my favorite season, watching the leaves fall and dance around the streets and yards. As it cools down, I am once again reminded of my blessings as I see the days get shorter and I find myself once again, being thankful for my home and for the God who makes it all possible.

I just found out that my dog (Skeeter) is gone. She was very sick over the weekend and my son took her to the vet and they said she had kidney and liver cancer and renal failure.

God blesses us with pets, these animals that love us unconditionally. Skeeter was old, 11 1/2 years, but still. Skeeter was a maltepoo, a crossbreed of a maltese/poodle. She was little. When we got her she was so adorably tiny! We called her pocket puppy as she could potentially fit into someone's pocket (granted a big pocket).

She was a great companion who would snuggle up in our lap while we watched tv. She was a licker....giving great massages with her tiny, little tongue.

I loved when I would come home from work and she'd be dancing with excitement to see me. She was also very fond of belly rubs!

Unfortunately I don't have any good pictures because she was black....except for a tiny patch of white under her chin. But to photograph her she was a black furball.

As with anything that God has made, there is a time to live and a time to die. Thank you Lord for giving us Skeeter to make us smile for these 11+ years!

We are now in week two of 2011. I sit here thinking about the goals I hope to achieve in this new year. In my head it's just a broken record, repeating my same old wishes to do something about my morbid obesity, my struggles with fatigue and the lack of energy to pursue recording of my CD. It all runs through my mind, jumbled up like a ball of string and I become overwhelmed.

I crave simplicity in all things! So thinking about that made me realize that maybe my approach is all wrong. I'm trying to shake a magic wand, say the perfect prayer to make it all be right. But what I really need to do, is to take simple, baby steps. So, last week, I decided that my first task is to (once again) kick the soda habit. I did this once before and felt so much better without it. So, that is my first challenge. What will my next one be? I don't know yet....I haven't finished my first one yet....getting really close, but not quite finished. Then when I feel good for completing that one step, I can move on to something else simple yet monumental!

Blessings to all of you too as you pursue whatever it is in your life that needs tweaking, needs to be transformed to bring you more centered in God's love!

I discovered a new perspective of Advent this past Sunday as I heard our priest preach about it. He stated that the readings of the first 3 Sundays of Advent are not talking about preparing for the birth of Jesus. What it is, in fact, is a time of our own preparation of Jesus' second coming. It is a time to really look at ourselves and see how good (or bad) we are doing at centering ourselves in our faith, in our God.

I tried to think of things I do that would be pleasing to God, being kind to people, trying to keep up a daily prayer routine. But what it comes down to is that we must forego EVERYTHING. As Father John listed things that draw us away from God and into our human selves, it was like he was talking right at me! To say the least, it was very humbling.

So, I take this time to look very honestly at my commitment, or lack thereof, to God, to His Glory. If he were to make his second coming today, would I be ready? Not a chance!

Please Lord help me in my stubbornness.

We are in the month of November. This is a month set aside by the church to remember those who have died. In this number are the saints, those holy people who during their lives on earth knew the glory of loving God with their entire being. This is something we must daily strive for....sainthood.

Also in the month of November we remember those who are no longer here with us on earth but crossed our paths and one way or another touched our souls or challenged us in our attempt to be holy. Among these people are the souls that for whatever reason remain in purgatory. We must always remember these souls in our prayers and petitions.

I have encountered issues of struggle in mind and body through illness and not quite a year ago, I went into the Adoration Chapel and asked our Lord just how I was to use this pain and suffering. In no uncertain terms He said, "offer them for the souls in purgatory."

So, I try to do that... accept my pains patiently in order that those is purgatory may be set free. Trust me, this is not easy. I am so human! But particularly this month I pray harder to do as God asks of me.

Do you ever stop to wonder what our call is in God's plan for us? This comes to mind for me today because I received news this morning that a young woman in our parish has been told she has 3 months to live.

I met Gloria a few years ago as I met with her fiance, Jim and her family to discuss the music for their marriage ceremony. A few days before that meeting, she was told she had cancer in a bone in her leg. After Mass, Fr. John gathered us all into the Adoration Chapel to pray together asking for intercession on her behalf.

A few months later they were married in a beautiful ceremony celebrating them in their oneness. I have yet to see a more beautiful ceremony!

As the months and years went on, Jim and Gloria would be challenged with the cross of her cancer....challenging it head on with every available treatment. But, what means the most to me about their journey is their devotion to each other and most importantly, their trust in God's plan. Their witness to their unconditional love for Jesus is very powerful.

It makes me ponder on the meaning of God's plan in our crosses. I feel that if we love Him with our whole beings then we are blessed to be given and to humbly suffer through our crosses. I would like to think that these are stepping stones to our eternal salvation.

So, today I offer all I am to God on behalf of Gloria in her remaining days, that our Blessed Mother shelter her in her arms and that Jesus reciprocate His love to her with peace. May we all be aware of our place in God's plan and humbly accept the graces that it brings.

I just completed a wonderful week full of multiple blessings. Last week our parish held it's annual Vacation Bible School with the little kids, preschool through 6th grade. I provided the music that corresponded with the program they were doing. I sang with the kids before they went to their activities and then ended each evening with song. It was wonderful to see as they progressed each day with more confidence and energy. Each day they participated more and more. One particular song had a line about dancing, so each night I invited a few of the kids to come up and be my dancers! For the most part I was focused on my music but by the last night I was comfortable enough to catch a glance or two of them dancing. There were 2 of our littlest kids dancing and one of them had stayed with her mother through the week and she volunteered to come and join the others and her mom was pleasantly surprised at what appeared to be a milestone for this little one. Then another little girl I caught waving to her mom and dad sitting in the back and their smiles as they waved back. Ah, the beauty and innocence of the little ones!

Then having wrapped up the week of VBS, I decided to spend Saturday at the healing retreat at Our Sorrowful Mother's Ministry in Vandalia, Illinois with a friend of mine. I wasn't sure of the topic and if it was something I would necessarily relate to, but I enjoy the people there and went with that in mind. Well, the day started with Mass and it started with a bang as I had words of direction coming at me even from the homily! And the morning got even better, addressing directly to me on issues I had been pondering. Giving me the exact answers to some of my confusion. Wow, God is amazing!

And I have to thank "Mama" Mary, our Blessed Mother and Jesus for getting us home safely through the terrible storm!

Recently I have been going to a weekly Women's Prayer group and this week one woman talked about her family struggles. She has problems with an abusive father and siblings that take his side over hers.

This made me think of how blessed I have been my whole life to have been a part of a loving family. Having been in a positive family environment and surrounded by other families that were the same, I didn't think about just what a blessing that circumstance was and is.

I had the opportunity to revisit my childhood home last weekend during an open house. The current owners are selling it and as I walked through the familiar rooms, I was drawn back to the wonderful memories of my life in that house.

And as I reflected on the good memories, I also remembered the sad ones...the primary being that my father passed away in that house after struggles of prostate cancer in 2001.

This week in particular is very hard. It goes unsaid that tomorrow, being Father's Day, I remember my dad...my soul mate. And then on Wednesday, June 23rd I will remember what would have been his 84th birthday.

I follow that with Saturday, June 26th, with the memory of my brother, Bill who passed away one year ago on that day.

I miss them so much....and can only hope that I didn't take them for granted too much.

I love you Dad and Bill!

This Easter Season has been one of celebration! My good friends Matthew and Leah Baute were married on May 22nd . This is a very holy couple who have their faith deeply rooted in God and their Catholic faith. I was so blessed to be part of the music for their ceremony. They were married in Madison, Wisconsin. My husband, Dave and I made the drive (about 6 hours) and had a great weekend away.

This past Saturday, June 5th the Bishop DuBourg High School baseball team won the Missouri State High School championship! It was a great game! These guys have worked diligently to get here and claim the title of #1! They put their hearts and souls into it and came up victorious. Congratulations to all the team and coaches!

I struggled through Holy Week and Easter Sunday but now feel much better, like my old self again.

I've had enough music to put together another CD project and now finally feel God is telling me it's time.

I love to look at things in hindsight and see how one thing leads to another and all fall into place. For example, I went to a Trivia Night last weekend and ran into an old friend, Maggie. We were just catching up on things and somehow she mentioned a mutual friend and how he has a studio in his house.

So, I'm thinking, HUH, he has a studio, I need to talk with him. Well, I did and although he does have a studio, he doesn't do jobs with it but referred me to a man who did some recording work with "Nathaniel's Creed" (Steve's band).

So, today I went and introduced myself to Greg at Dale's Music and it sounds PERFECT! YEAH GOD! His rates are great, he's laid back about how you pay. I was hoping for a pay as I go plan and he's good with that.

So, with God's guidance and hopefully your prayers, I will begin recording my 2nd CD project this summer.

It will be a mix of 1/2 original pieces, 1/2 songs that hold special memories for me from my many years of music ministry. There will be 12 songs.

Keep an eye here for news about how things are going!

So much of life has happened since my last entry. God still blessing me with crosses, however, so much smaller than in recent years! But isn't that what Lent should be, accepting and living through our crosses? I think I would wonder why I was being neglected should I not have them in my life!

On Monday, February 8th, one of several snowy mornings in St. Louis this winter, I was driving to work and hit a patch of snow and lost control on the interstate and careened head on into a concrete barrier. Blessings of airbags and seatbelts kept my injuries down to bruises. My car, however, suffered a fatal blow in it all.

I replaced the car with a "new" used car. When we purchased it we detected a "ping" in the engine that the salesman ensured us would be fixed as part of the deal as long as we had it done at their shop within 30 days. 10 days ago I took it to the shop and was told that the engine needed replacing. I was told that I had passed the 1000 mile warranty and that I would be responsible for the repair. Well, needless to say, I got upset and after several days trying to reach the dealer who sold us the car, they agreed to pay for the repairs. I hopefully get it back tomorrow.

My daughter, Angela, has been on dialysis for about 2 1/2 years. She goes 3 days a week in the early morning and then after about an hour break reports to work until about 10:00 p.m. Quite a grueling schedule for a 28 year old! Recently she decided to switch to what they call Peritoneal Dialysis. This method filters the body fluids without filtering through the blood system and is done at night while she sleeps. Yesterday, she had the surgery to put in the access for this procedure. It went well, but she is very sore as there were 3 different incisions on her chest and abdomen. But hopefully this bit of suffering will help her have a more normal life until she can get a new kidney.

Well, in a very short time we will be celebrating the beauty of our dear Lord's resurrection! What GLorY!

By the way, Happy St. Patty's Day tomorrow!

It seems I have been amiss in keeping up with my journal. I have been struggling with myself in so many directions, feeling failure more than success, although it could be more in my imagination than reality.

Having dealt with my illness for so many months this past year and still dealing with the residual effects of it all, I have found myself unable to get back to a truly centered prayer life, focus on my weight and thereby my health, and to my music and the songs that God has given me to use on another CD.

It just seems that I'm tired all the time, but maybe, I'm letting the devil win. Maybe it's easier just to be lazy and make excuses.

I went to a wonderful Marian Conference last weekend that helped me at least in mind, regain some of the focus of my relationship with Mary and with her son, Jesus.

I was helping with the music ministry for the weekend with my two awesome friends, Matthew Baute and Annie Karto. Both of these holy people have turned their lives over to our God in service with their music. So, although I wanted to get my CD into some new hands and hearts, I didn't want to jeopardize any sales they would have for theirs since it affects their living circumstances.

So, Thursday, the day before the weekend was to begin I heard the call to give my CD's away for contributions to help the enormous needs in Haiti. I had no idea what to expect.....and for sure, I didn't expect to collect $1620 for the relief efforts!

And that's when I realized that God still wants me to work with and for Him. I have been thinking about my day to day situation and ways to improve these things that I have been neglecting, specifically my prayer time and music and weight management.

And that in turn, led me to Lent. It is always surreal to realize that just when we are packing away our Christmas music it is time to start thinking about Lent. So, I want to really make a promise to do something concrete to prepare my heart for this holy time. One thing I've decided is that I want to give up an hour each evening dedicated to prayer in some form. I also want to spend a designated time to work on my music. And lastly, I want to undo some bad eating habits that crept back into my life since I had my surgery, one being, drinking soda.

So, I am making this vow in this forum to do these things. Are you ready? Have you thought about how you can make yourself a better person in body and heart to be completely worthy of Jesus' sacrifice for us?

I just want to take this time to wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! In all of the secular hubbub, I hope and pray that the true meaning of this season seeps deep into your hearts to bring you peace.

This year has been a challenging one for me personally, but in it all I have been blessed and continue to love my GOD! May 2010 offer many opportunities to love and serve Him.